I'm home alone.
Seriously alone, because for the first time in over two years, I am sitting on my couch, and Elise is not playing on the floor, sleeping in the next room, or performing acrobatics in my uterus. She's taking a walk with her daddy instead.
I don't know why it's taken this long for this to happen. It certainly isn't a lack of willingness on Colin's part (though it's partially a lack of time). I've gone out alone here and there since she was born, but I've never stayed in while she went out.
We need to make some changes. I'm exhausted, and it's negatively affecting every part of my life. There have been many moments lately when I thought I was going to completely unravel. Thankfully, that hasn't happened.
But I do need to make more time for myself. Maybe it sounds selfish, maybe it is selfish, but I can't be the mother I'm meant to be if I never get a break from my mothering duties. I need help, and I'm not ashamed to admit it. Given our isolated location, that help is going to have to come mostly from my husband. I know he is up to the task.
The challenge before me now is figuring out what I need. I know I need Colin at home more: does that entail cutting back on tutoring, or cutting it out completely? I know I need to get out more: should I sign up for another class at the Y? Join my parish's young adult Bible study? Try to get together with friends more often? (Well, that last one's a definite YES, but it can be difficult when all your good friends are fellow mothers and/or far away!)
I'm happy to have reached a point where I can admit that I have unmet needs. Colin is completely supportive, understanding, and encouraging. I just need to figure out where to go from here! Pray for me, girls!