Monday, July 11, 2011

Homesick and Heartsick

I need to be more interesting.  Or funny.  Or attractive.  Or something.

It's cycle day 3, my non-air-conditioned home is burning up, and I'm in the middle of a post-Ohio-trip slump.  I'm sick and tired of being lonely as [insert expletive here].

It's been almost 4 years now since we moved here to State College, and today's one of those days when I would consider it a "failed experiment" for myself socially.  Practically every social outlet I have oh-so-hesitatingly explored here has blown up in my face.  In the meantime, I've failed to keep up with some of my friends back home as well as I'd have liked, mostly because I'm afraid of the telephone.

I know that we live in a "mobile society" where people move around quite a bit for jobs.  What befuddles me is how so many people seem to really embrace that.  Maybe they're just much better at accentuating the positives than I am, but I think mobility is awful.

My daughter's grandparents have only seen her a handful of times, as has her uncle.  Her aunts saw her last July, last November, and this May.  When she and I visited my family last week, I couldn't even leave her with them to run to the drugstore for twenty minutes that she wasn't completely distraught, because they are strangers to her. 

I'm so homesick it hurts.  Homesick for my family, homesick for my friends back home, homesick for the parks and ice cream shops and stores and schools that I grew up with, homesick for going to the grocery store and running into someone I knew from high school or someone my mom or dad or brother knows...instead of my graduate advisor, who, while kind enough, reminds me of a time in my life that I'd very much rather forget.

Does anybody else feel this way?  Does anybody else think that living away from home, maybe forever, is a pile of suck?

I know it's me.  It is, really.  I'm shy and socially awkward, and somehow I manage to alienate almost every potential friend I meet.  I don't know how I do it, but if I ever figure out my formula, I'll get right down to authoring How To Lose Friends and Influence Nobody.

Sorry for the rant, but it's all I got today, folks.

11 comments:

  1. I know exactly how you feel! I lived in Indianapolis for a year by myself (well Aaron lived with me for 3 months). I felt so homesick and that was part of the reason I decided to transfer grad programs.

    I'll be praying for you to find a kindred spirit nearby!

    ReplyDelete
  2. Seriously, EVERY TIME you write, I see myself in you. What I would give to live near you and be real life friends!

    Now granted, I've only been an official resident of my new state for 2 weeks, but I'm already a bit nervous about making new friends and getting comfortable with calling this place "home." While I'm really good with social media and keeping up with people that way, I have to say one of the worst parts I anticipate is that we miss family gatherings and random get-togethers, and that we can't just hop on over to grandma's house whenever we feel like it. I worry that when Stephen and I have children, that our parents and siblings won't be able to form a meaningful relationship with them. I'm right there with you.

    You don't have twitter (as far as I know, correct me if I'm wrong), and I can't find an email address for you either, but I would love to be able to chat with you in real time if it would help alleviate the homesickness. please just let me know. I'm lonely here too and miss socialness and just knowing everyone in town, and I think talking together might help. I realize that I'm just an internet friend, so if that makes you uncomfortable to chat, I understand. I'll still be here as your faithful blog commenter friend. :-D

    ReplyDelete
  3. Aww. I love you Louise! I know this part sucks and I really can't even fathom exactly how much. But I'm pretty sure it won't be forever.

    Heck - I live in my hometown and I've yet to make any meaningful friendships that haven't moved away. And you don't have to be afraid of the phone if it's me you're calling. I never look down at the caller id and see your name and feel anything other than complete joy. :D (Trust me - the happy dance I usually do when I see it's you calling is degrading. I just hope you never call me in public) ;)

    And ugh. I hate when I need to end a parenthesized sentence with a smile. Cuz, dude, is there an etiquette for that that doesn't look stupid with two right parentheses in a row?

    ReplyDelete
  4. Thank you, Ashley! Your prayers mean the world to me! :) And I should note that I have found a kindred spirit here, my good friend Maren. I certainly don't mean to disregard her!

    Kendra, I wish the same thing! I actually do have a Twitter, but I haven't updated it in over a year. I have been considering trying it again, though (I hardly used it before), particularly since you, Emily, and some of the other lovely blogging ladies use it. :) I cherish you, Internet friend! I'd love to chat! Let me dust this old thing off...

    I love you too, Lindsy! It makes me so happy to imagine your happy dance. :D And I am so with you on ending a parenthesized sentence with a smile...sometimes I allow the closing parenthesis to do double duty. Eeek!

    ReplyDelete
  5. Aw Louise. Like Kendra said, I'm always here to chat too! I'm living in Cleveland all summer with a strange family and I feel extremely lonely. Who knows where life will take me next year after I graduate. I cherish the internet friendships I've made throughout the past couple months and I look forward to reading your blog as well as others! I really wish someday there was an opportunity for me to meet all my internet friends :)
    But like I said, I'm here for you and if you ever want to chat on twitter/email/whatever.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Oh no! I've felt like this before. Pretty frequently, actually. One of the things I've done is simply to pray for friends. It's amazing where they'll pop up. It can be so frustrating, though, to go to one of those functions where you're sure you're about to meet some people you can be friends with, and then they just don't show up! Praying for you!

    ReplyDelete
  7. This comment has been removed by the author.

    ReplyDelete
  8. Aw, Louise, I know how you feel!! I have been feeling very homesick lately, and it's especially hard to come back to a lonely place after spending time with your family!! It makes it all the harder.

    I get very lonely in Nashville, especially on the weekends. I do wonder, often, at what we end up sacrificing in this mobile society. And whether for me a great, fulfilling job is worth the price of being so far loved ones. Sigh.

    And I get what you mean about making new friends. I was just talking with someone about how it is so much harder to make friends as adult! Especially when you are living in a place far from 'home'. Our lives just aren't structured socially like they were in school to faciliate making friends as easily. It's so hard! Hang in there dear!! I will keep you in my prayers!

    ReplyDelete
  9. Even as someone who is extroverted, I will admit that meeting new people can be hard for me too. Take heart Louise! All will be well, we (at least) are here for you and praying for you. When I lived away from home, I certainly felt the same way. :)

    ReplyDelete
  10. No, I agree. Living away from home is, indeed, a pile of suck. Miss you! I'm going to try extra hard to kick this cold so we can get together and do something fun. :-)

    ReplyDelete
  11. I meant to post a comment on this yesterday, but I got distracted. I felt like this the whole first year or so that I lived in Indy. I only had one friend that whole time. There were quite a few days when my hubby was the only person I talked to. It was lonely, but I did find a few friends online through the blogs, and that def. helped.

    I love your blog and you're so great!

    ReplyDelete